


Topf's Mini-Fic Collection

by Smokey310



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 05:08:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6315949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smokey310/pseuds/Smokey310
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Apparently I now do writing memes on tumblr sometimes... </p><p>Anyway, most of these are crack, as usual. Or at the very least humorous. I will write something serious one day, just you wait!</p><p>(these are all between 1-2k, so very, very short for me - also, unbetaed, so... be warned.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. BokuKuroo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This prompt was for Bokuroo and the sentence "So... come here often?"

„So… come here often?“

Kuroo had been sitting in his chair and stared at a door for the last quarter hour, waiting to be waved in. He still had to mentally prepare for what was waiting behind, so he did not expect to be the one being spoken to until he remembered that there was no one else here.

„Uh…“ He looked up to where a guy was leaning in the door-frame to the exit of the waiting room. A door-frame which Kuroo had been very close to run through a few times now. The guy was wearing a baseball cap with some kind of logo on it. Strands of oddly dyed gray and black hair stuck out from beneath it. He was extremely buff and for a second, Kuroo was sure that he was just there to keep him from running – then he remembered what the guy had just said.

“To… to the morgue?” Kuroo asked. “It’s… uh – it’s not a frequent thing, no.”

“Well, it is for some people,” the guy said matter-of-factly.

Kuroo wasn’t sure what exactly this conversation was leading to, but it was a welcome distraction, so he turned in his seat to throw the guy a quizzical look. “ _What_ people?”

“Morticians, I guess,” said the guy, shrugging. “Or creeps.”

“Well, I’m neither, so…”

The guy suddenly beamed at him, which was unexpected, seeing as he looked like a really mean bouncer. The huge smile gave him an entirely different appearance. There was now something extremely cuddly and child-like about him. “Yeah, that’s what I was hoping to hear!” he said excitedly as Kuroo blinked in confusion. “So, wanna go get some coffee?”

Wait… Kuroo should have probably guessed from the first sentence, but… he was being _flirted with_?

Not that he minded, because buff beaming baseballcap-guy was. Well. The best word Kuroo could come up with to describe him was ‘wow’, but he wasn’t sure if that was actually classified as a word. However, the whole situation was kind of awkward.

“Before or after I identified the body lying behind this door as my neighbor’s?” he asked, eyebrows raised high.

The smile on buff guy’s face fell almost comically.

“Oh, right,” he said, giving an awkward chuckle. “Oh man, that was weird of me, wasn’t it? Thank God though it’s only a neighbor – imagine if I had chatted you up right before you saw the dead body of like… your mother or something.”

Okay, now – Kuroo had met a lot of people with poor flirting skills before, but this guy really took the cake.

“Have you,” he said, his tone growing more incredulous with every word. “Have you ever heard of the word ‘tact’?”

Buff guy’s mouth was apparently unable to form a straight line for more than two seconds – right now, it formed into a pout, which was a pretty weird thing to see on the face of a guy with arms like that. Weird, but also kind of adorable. “Is that a 'no’ then?”

“Depends…” said Kuroo. “What category do you fall into? Mortician or creep?”

“Oh! Neither,” said the guy, pout already forming into a grin again. He proudly pointed to his hat, on which – if Kuroo squinted – he could recognize a steaming cup of coffee in the logo. “I’m just here to fill up the coffee vending machine over there.”

Kuroo turned around in the direction the guy had nodded to, and indeed, there was an old coffee vending machine squeezed into a corner, in case people who were waiting to look at the dead body of a person they may know felt like getting their nerves wrecked for good.

“I’m Bokuto, by the way,” said the guy. “And you?”

“Kuroo…” said Kuroo, still looking at the vending machine. He was just having an epiphany. “Wait!” he said, finally turning around to look at Bokuto again. “Did you just ask me out, or did you genuinely just want to know if I needed some coffee?”

Bokuto looked shocked, too, flailing his hands around. “No, no, no – I definitely intended to drink the coffee _with_ you. You know – date style. Cuz’ you’re hot!”

Kuroo raised his eyebrows again until Bokuto was reminded of what kind of establishment they were in right now. “But, uh… in a very… solemn… and proper way,” he ended awkwardly.

Kuroo had troubles keeping in a laugh. “Okay, good,” he said, fighting the grin tugging at his lips. “Because I do expect to get some better coffee than morgue waiting room brew.”

The sound of someone clearing their throat interrupted their conversation and Kuroo noticed that the door he had dreaded opening had done just that. A woman in gloves and a surgical mask was waving him in. Well – that was romantic.

“Just… wait here for a few minutes,” he told Bokuto. “I need to go look at a dead body.”

Bokuto, who was already beaming again, nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, I’ll wait! Have fun in there!”

Both the woman and Kuroo turned to look at him halfway through the door and once Bokuto noticed what he had just said, he gave a mortified screech.

“I mean!” he said, flailing again. “In a… very solemn… and proper way!”

The woman closed the door before Kuroo had time to break out into laughter and ease the nervous look on Bokuto’s face. “That suddenly makes me feel a lot better about every time I said, 'thanks, you too’ to a waiter telling me to enjoy my meal,” she said.

Kuroo sighed happily. “I’m so gonna hit that,” he told her. “I don’t care if this is a weird place to say these words.”

“As long as you’re not talking about the dead body, it’s fine. I’ve seen weirder things.”

“You chose to be a mortician, so no pity from me.”

“Word.”


	2. BokuAkaKuroTsuki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This prompt was for BokuAkaKuroTsuki and the sentence "Well, that could've gone better."

It was not unusual for Akaashi to come home only to about-face and go for a spontaneous one-hour long walk right after work, briefcase still in hand. That just couldn’t be helped when two thirds of your boyfriends were absolute nut-jobs. He did love them, sure. Adored them, even. But sometimes… sometimes they were just too much.

However, it was unusual for him to not even get as far as opening the door to their house before he felt like walking out again.

“Okay,” he said, drawing in a deep breath as he stood in the garden gate and looked upon the horrendous picture before him. Tearing his eyes away and glancing at the watch on his wrist, he added: “You have ten minutes to pack your bags and leave the country before Tsukishima comes home and kills you.”

Bokuto and Kuroo looked down at him from where they were posed on a ladder, both sporting huge hedge clippers.

“What?” said Kuroo innocently. “Why would we do that? This is his birthday present!”

Akaashi pressed his eyes closed, hoping that somehow, he was just dreaming and the scene would change as soon as he opened his eyes again. Unfortunately, he knew better. “You sculpted all of our shrubs into dicks… for his birthday?” he asked, pained. “Are you aware that birthdays are not randomly interchangeable with April’s fools?”

Bokuto made a scandalized face upon his words. “Wha-!” he proclaimed and leaned back on his ladder as if to look at the sculpture from a bigger distance. “These are dinosaurs! Can’t you see that?”

Akaashi’s lid began to twitch. “ _How_ are those dinosaurs?” he asked. Slowly. Calmly. Furiously.

“Well, you see,” said Kuroo, using his huge hedge clipper like a pointer to gesture along the shrub’s… shaft. “We wanted to do the ones with the long necks, because they’re the easiest, and also adorable, and also tallest, so it’s like… triple appropriate for Tsukki.”

“Are you saying he’s easy, then?” Akaashi asked and immediately shook his head at himself for getting distracted. “More importantly – I can see how this would be a long neck with a head on it – but what’s with the two balls down there?”

Bokuto took it upon himself to explain the absolute moronism that had apparently taken them over once again. “Well, you see – once we were done with the neck, we noticed there was not enough shrub left for the body, so we had to improvise!” he said, like that made any sense at all.

“By turning it into a dick,” said Akaashi.

“No! You see – those are its little feet poking out from the ground!” said Kuroo, waving the hedge clippers about. “It’s like a cute puppy dinosaur, just popping up from our garden! Like so!” He threw the clippers away to put on a puppy face and form two paws with his hands.

“It’s an erect penis,” said Akaashi.

“No, it’s not!” Bokuto protested, imitating Kuroo’s ridiculous pose. “It’s like so!”

Akaashi tried to fight his nearing headache with a long sigh. “Would you please… just come down from that ladder and look at it from here?” he asked with long practiced patience.

“Hm…” said Bokuto, once they were both standing next to Akaashi and took a good look at their work. How exactly they had managed to cut five shrubs into this form without noticing… Akaashi would never understand. “I guess… I can kind of see it now,” Bokuto admitted.

Kuroo sat down on the ground with a long groan. “Well, that could’ve gone better,” he said. “So what do we do now?”

“Run?” Akaashi suggested.

“Uhm, yeah… too late,” Bokuto said.

Akaashi turned around with an overwhelming feeling of dread spreading in his stomach. He just hoped Tsukishima would know that this was in no way Akaashi’s fault, idea or influence!

Tsukishima just stood where Akaashi had stood before – just one step through the garden gate, looking at the multitude of penises spread across their lawn. His face was unreadable and he didn’t say a word.

“Hap-” Bokuto started and got interrupted by Kuroo kicking at his boot. They seemed to be having a drawn-out mental conversation, which Bokuto won, somehow, because when they both looked at Tsukishima again, they sounded in unison: “Happy birthday, babe!”

It didn’t sound very convincing.

“Did you…” said Tsukishima, face still unreadable. “Did you seriously sculpt all of our shrub into dicks… for every passing person to see?”

“Uh…” said Bokuto.

“Well…” Kuroo added.

“Actually…” Akaashi tried to explain, because no matter how angry he was at these two idiots, he did not want this evening to end in a bloodbath. However, he never got to explain anything, because Tsukishima had already thrown himself at Bokuto – and not even to punch or strangle him. What they were doing looked suspiciously like… hugging. “Okay, what?” Akaashi groaned.

Kuroo was on his feet two seconds later, throwing himself into the hug.

“You guys know me so well!” Tsukishima smiled – he actually smiled! And no – Akaashi could not accept that – this had to be a dream after all, because no way in hell. _No way in hell-_

“I can’t believe I never thought of this!” Tsukishima continued. It was hard to hear him through the throbbing pain in Akaashi’s head. “Finally everyone will leave us in peace. No more annoying neighbors trying to befriend us. No more girl scouts. No more people trying to sell us vacuum cleaners or get us to join their church! Nobody will ever want to ring the doorbell of the perverts with a bunch of dick-bushes in their garden! This is the best present ever!”

Bokuto and Kuroo had nothing to add to that except for matching beams, and Akaashi had to watch them escort an elated Tsukishima over to the door.

Akaashi was left with nothing else to do but recalculate.

He had been wrong with two thirds. It had been three thirds all along. One hundred percent.

All of his boyfriends were absolute nut-jobs.


	3. BokuTsuki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had two prompts for BokuTsuki, so I combined them.  
> One sentence was "Oh relax, we'll be fine" - the other was "Are you kidding me? We are not 'fine'!" - as you see, they were meant to go into the same fic! :'D

Bokuto squinted up to the sun from where he was sitting on a banana boat in the middle of the ocean.

Well, it wasn’t really the middle of the ocean. He could still see the beach, somewhere in the distance. But it might as well have been the middle of the ocean, because there was no way they could paddle all the way back there with no… well. Paddles.

Still, Bokuto tried to see it positively.

“We beat the banana boat,” he said. “I don’t think anyone else could do that.”

Tsukishima, who was stranded here with him, did not share that positive outlook on life. But then, he never did. “We’re going to die,” he said, like he had already accepted the thought. “We are dead.”

“Oh, relax! We’ll be fine.” Bokuto patted his knee consolingly. “Actually, I have an idea! What if we just tear a hole into the back of the boat and let the escaping air propel us all the way back to the beach?”

Tsukishima turned to look at him with dead eyes. “Bokuto. When will you learn that life is not a cartoon?”

“But what do we have left to lose?” Bokuto argued.

“The only thing that keeps us at the surface out here?”

“Damn,” Bokuto said. Tsukishima was so damn smart sometimes, despite being two years younger. “Should’ve thought about that…”

“Yes, you should have,” said Tsukishima, tired. There was so much weariness in his voice for someone so young. It was truly a tragedy. All Bokuto wanted was to make a light shine behind these eyes – but it was harder than expected. Maybe it would help if they weren’t stranded on a banana boat in the middle of the ocean with no prospect of being saved.

“Anyway, you know what?” Tsukishima said, suddenly looking determined. Bokuto barely noticed, because he was thinking hard about how to escape this situation so that he could get Tsukishima into a better mood. “Seeing as we’re going to die and it’s my last chance to do this, I might as well tell you that-”

“HAH!” screamed Bokuto, because he had just had the best idea and Tsukishima and his damn pessimism could _suck it!_ “I know! What if we catch some really big fish and have it pull us back? That works, I read a story once, in high school!”

Tsukishima looked unimpressed, which was such an offense! “Are you sure that you really _read_ The Old Man and the Sea?” he asked.

“You’re right…” Bokuto suddenly remembered that the story didn’t really have a happy ending. “He didn’t have a banana boat.”

“That is the exact part that does not matter,” sighed Tsukishima and went back to his sulking silence.

Fuck, Bokuto didn’t really know what to do when someone else was sulking. He was no good with that – he’d have to call Akaashi and ask him, but he was stuck in the middle of the ocean on a banana boat, and he didn’t really have a phone. Well – he did kinda have an over-dimensional banana phone, but that was just as useless as no phone at all.

Bokuto was so deep in thought that he barely heard Tsukishima say his name.

“Huh?” he said, looking up into Tsukishima’s determined face. He was fiddling with his fingers, like he was nervous. He probably was nervous, seeing as he was about to die.

“I was trying to say something before, you know?” said Tsukishima.

“Oh, right. Right. Go ahead!”

Tsukishima sent him a suspicious look. “It’s kind of important, so could you actually listen for a moment instead of trying to come up with more stupid ideas?”

Wha-! That cheeky brat. He was lucky he was so cute and that Bokuto had a very big and very secret crush on him, because otherwise, Bokuto might have pushed him off the boat. He certainly would have done so with Kuroo. “Fine,” he said. “Sure, I’ll listen. I’m all ears. Shoot!”

“Okay,” said Tsukishima.

“Okay,” said Bokuto.

“So.” Tsukishima shot him another testing glance, before he cleared his throat. “Since we’re going to die here-”

“Which we won’t!” Bokuto interrupted.

“Which we will!” insisted Tsukishima.

“Hypothetically.”

“Definitely!”

“Why do you want to kill us off so bad?” Bokuto asked with a huff. It was really difficult to light a fire in the eyes of someone who wanted to die so much.

Tsukishima looked at him like he was an idiot again. That wasn’t really new, but it still made Bokuto want to sulk. “Because otherwise I wouldn’t have the guts to say this, okay?” Tsukishima groaned.

Oh. Well, in that case, Bokuto understood. Tsukishima didn’t really think they would die – he was just telling this to himself in order to make it easier to tell Bokuto some big secret. Which was exciting! Bokuto couldn’t wait to hear it. “I see!” he said, jumping up and down on the boat a little. “In that case, we are practically already dead. In fact, I could… you know – do you think it would help if I crossed my eyes and stuck my tongue out?”

Tsukishima was sounding murderous again when he said: “You won’t have to act dead if I kill you!”

Now that Bokuto thought about it, it probably wasn’t that hard to sound murderous when you were spewing death threats. Luckily, Bokuto was saved from being drowned out here, with no witnesses but the deep sea creatures, by nearing motor noises. They both turned around at the same time to see Kuroo in his little motorboat shooting towards them.

Tsukishima made a noise that sounded like ‘ugh’, even though that was a weirdly unfitting reaction to being saved from certain death.

“Sorry!” Kuroo shouted at them, waving. “I never noticed that I lost you guys!” He was throwing a piece of rope at Bokuto’s head.

“Maybe you should let me do the knot this time,” said Tsukishima, taking the rope from him. Maybe that really was for the best – Bokuto didn’t actually know any knots besides the one you did to tie your shoes, and what Tsukishima did looked a lot more elaborate than that.

“Hold on tight!” said Kuroo, once they were both sitting in their seats again. With one big jolt, they were flying across the water, the same way they had flown out here. Bokuto screamed with joy. This was such a great feeling – not even Tsukishima would be able to keep up his dead-eye look during it, but unfortunately, Bokuto had no chance to look him in the eyes right now.

As great as it felt, though – it was an actual struggle to hold on. They didn’t make it all the way back before Tsukishima’s grip on the boat weakened and gravity suddenly pulled him back. Bokuto had been too focused on him, because he automatically lifted his hand to grab him, and ended up colliding with a wall.

It was not an actual wall – just the wind, which felt like a wall – and then the surface of the ocean, which felt even more like a wall. Tsukishima at least didn’t feel anything like a wall. He felt soft, and slick, and perfect, even when he was coughing water into Bokuto’s face.

Bokuto felt like laughing a lot, so he did just that.

“See?” he said, when they could both breathe again. “Told you we’d be fine!”

“Are you kidding? We are not 'fine’,” said Tsukishima, holding on to him in a way that made it difficult to keep his head above the surface. “We’ll most certainly drown now!”

“Oh man! Are you still trying to kill us off?” laughed Bokuto. Okay, Tsukishima wasn’t wearing his glasses for obvious reasons, so he probably couldn’t see that far. “The beach is like – right there!”

“No,” said Tsukishima. “We’ll definitely die. There’s no other choice but to do this now.”

Bokuto was still wondering what the hell Tsukishima was talking about when he felt a pair of wet, salty lips on his own. He almost forgot to kick his legs and stay above the water surface.

Tsukishima was kissing him. That was it, wasn’t it? He did not misread the situation. Tsukishima did not think he had drowned and tried to reanimate him, right? He was actually, honest-to-god being kissed by his crush. This was happening. This was _real!_

Bokuto almost forgot to kiss back, but he caught himself just before Tsukishima pulled back, disappointed. It wasn’t easy to simultaneously kiss someone and try not to drown, but it was worth it. So, so worth it.

“Whoo!” he said, once they parted and Tsukishima turned his head away to blush in peace. “Oh boy. That was… that was nice. Really, really nice.”

When the head-turning wouldn’t work, Tsukishima tried to hide his blush by sinking under the water until only his eyes were visible above the surface. Bokuto couldn’t believe that he was embarrassed right now – after all, Bokuto had tried very hard to properly voice his joy. He had even used words instead of howling at the sun like some animal.

“Hey, hey, Tsukki! Come on – I can’t kiss you again if you hide under the water! Actually, we should probably go back to the beach so we can make out without swallowing salt water.”

Oh no – Bokuto was making it worse. The blush was spreading still.

“Okay, relax! We can talk about something else entirely. Like – you tried to tell me something the whole time, so – what was it?”

Tsukishima answered him by simply drowning.

“TSUKKI!” screamed Bokuto, just as the motor noises came back and Kuroo leaned out of his motor boat to whack him over the head.

“He just drowned!” Bokuto yelled at him.

“Yeah – and I know why _you_ ’re still floating,” groaned Kuroo.

“Oh, hey!” Bokuto said. “Did you see that? He kissed me!”

“Yeah, man – congratulations. You should probably dive now, if you want this happy ending to stay a happy ending.”

“Right,” Bokuto said, and dived. Because he loved happy endings. Seriously.

That high school book could suck his dick!


	4. TeruDai

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This prompt was for TeruDai and the sentence "Get it off! GET IT OFF!"

„Get it off, GET IT OFF! RIGHT NOW!“

Daichi could see how his panicked screeching would be funny to Terushima, since there was little that wasn’t funny to Terushima to begin with – but he would have really appreciated some help instead of his boyfriend almost toppling over himself in a laughing fit. Especially since these words, which were normally uttered when people came in contact with a spider, or a bug, in this case applied to a giant freaking _llama._

The llama currently had him pressed against a wall, in the middle of the night, in a very secluded area right at the border of the town– which would have made for a rather dangerous gangster-type scenario, if the perpetrator hadn’t been a llama.

It was all Terushima’s fault, of course.

„Yuuji!“ barked Daichi, and finally – finally! - Terushima listened. He wiped a few escaped tears from his eyes and didn’t bother to fight the grin still tugging at his lips, but at least he stopped laughing and started helping.

“There, there, Prince Kuzco. Daichi didn’t mean it when he said your face looks like an over-sized deranged rabbit. He’s just awkward with expressing himself – he obviously meant that you’re the cutest little furry in existence with the softest snout and the coolest hairstyle.”

The llama, which really did look like a deranged rabbit, thank you very much, let himself be led away from Daichi and the wall. It stalked back towards the little path they had taken up the hill. Terushima shot Daichi a bright, equally deranged looking grin and wiggled his eyebrows.

“No kiss for your savior?” he asked.

“Maybe if you and your friends hadn’t kidnapped a damn llama to show off at a campus party,” Daichi began, but Terushima muted him by taking matters into his own hand and pressing their lips together in a quick kiss. Daichi wouldn’t stay mute for just that, though. “I mean – what would you even need a llama for at a party? Can’t you get in trouble with the cops _without_ stealing farm animals?”

“Awww, another lecture from my goody-two-shoes boyfriend,” Terushima chuckled. “Come on babe, have you never gotten in trouble before? It’s exciting, you should try it sometime.”

“I have gotten in trouble before!” Daichi protested. He had! It was just usually not his fault. There was that one incident back in high school, with the dean and his toupee. That had been because Hinata and Kageyama were really troublesome first years – and preceding that one, there was the incident where he had set off the fire alarm at school. And _that_ had only been due to the captain of the basketball team being a massive a-hole! After all that, he had somehow ended up with the biggest troublemaker on earth, so there wouldn’t be a lack of stories to tell in the future. But not if Daichi could help it, of course, which is why they were stalking up a hill with a deranged llama in tow – trying to get it back to its rightful owner under cover of the night.

Terushima skipped away towards the llama and happily patted its long, ugly neck. “Come on, Prince Kuzco – let’s get you back home. I know, I would have liked to play with you a little longer, too – but my boyfriend over there is gonna explode if we don’t return you soon.”

“Don’t make him hate me even more!” groaned Daichi. Really, he would have nightmares of those yellow front teeth for weeks to come. Terushima on the other hand, really had a way with the beast. It listened to his every word and had even readily lied down into a rubber boat and floated through the pool with a plate of stacked woodruff shots in its mouth. Daichi had spent almost two whole hours in that pool without realizing that the damn llama was _real_. A realization which had almost led to a pee-in-the-pool incident.

“There has to be at least a little troublemaker in you,” Terushima pondered, his hand affectionately petting the llama’s back.

Daichi tried to stop himself, but the words were out of his mouth before he had given clearance.

“Yes, you, sometimes.”

Terushima’s jaw fell slack open, his eyes gleaming.

“I take no responsibility for these words, I am drunk from at least four llama-carried woodruff shots,” he said quickly, but it was too late, Terushima had already jumped on his back with a delighted squeak and hugged him from behind.

“There’s no point in denying it anyway,” he said, pressing another kiss to Daichi’s nape. “If you like me, then you can’t be that boring.”

“Maybe I just like you for your body,” Daichi teased.

“Well, I couldn’t blame you, I do have a great body.”

The llama gave a long, loud howl just then, threatening to wake up the whole neighborhood. There wasn’t really that much of a neighborhood out here – but there was a little farm in the distance, which must have meant that they had reached their destination.

“Tell him to shut up!” Daichi said. “We’re gonna get caught at the last second!”

“Yeah, Prince Kuzco – don’t worry, we can have another adventure, sometime. I’m sure Daichi will go and visit his family soon. Then the two of us can finally be together.”

“Yuuji!”

“For now, this is goodbye,” Terushima said with drama in his voice. Daichi let him slide back to his feet and groaned.

“Just get him back to the paddock you took him from!”

“Sure thing,” Terushima said, patting the llama’s neck again. “Come here, Prince Kuzco! Time to go to sleep!”

The llama followed Terushima to his paddock, but his head was turned to evilly squint at Daichi the whole time. Daichi still couldn’t believe that he had survived this whole trip without being spat at, or trampled to death.

“Here we are!” Terushima opened the gate to what could only be a dog run, and shooed the llama inside.

“Uhm,” Daichi cleared his throat. Not that he particularly cared, but… “Don’t you have the wrong paddock? This doesn’t look like it’s made for something bigger than a dog.”

“Well, this is what I freed him from!” Terushima sniffed, crossing his arms.

It was dark, so Daichi couldn’t really see that much, but it did look like there was some sparse hay strewn across the paddock. It was mostly buried underneath llama crap. Prince Kuzco stood squeezed between the gate of his paddock and an empty feeding trough, his head hanging low over the gate, his bottom lip turned inside out as if pouting.

He still looked ugly as hell, but Daichi felt a sting of pity at the picture.

Terushima didn’t help it.

“This was probably the most fun he had in months, you know?” he said, ruffling the llama’s wild fur. “He barely gets to move in here.”

Fine.

Daichi knew when he was defeated. He gave a long groan to signal his defeat to his boyfriend and Terushima’s smile lighted up again.

“Maybe take him for one last ride?” he asked, hopeful.

“Just get him out of there,” sighed Daichi. He couldn’t help the amused tug at his lips when Terushima kicked the gate open and swung himself onto the llama’s back, to ride him out of the paddock like a warhorse.

“We’ll take the city tonight!” he roared – which was an awful idea, seeing as the lights in the farmhouse went on two seconds later. “Oh shit!”

“Great going!” Daichi said. “Now what?”

“Come here – jump on his back, Prince Kuzco will carry us to safety!” Terushima insisted, reaching an arm out to him.

“No way, he can’t possibly carry both of us!”

“He has a lot of pent-up energy!” said Terushima. “Now come on!”

Daichi tried to check with the llama, but Prince Kuzco just looked ahead determinedly, ready to sprint as soon as Terushima so much as said a word. Looking over to the farmhouse, Daichi spotted a silhouette stumbling out of the front door, waving a fist.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” he said, reaching for Terushima’s hand. He barely sat on the llama when it began to gallop away, and Daichi had to hold on to his boyfriend for dear life. His boyfriend, who was howling with joy and throwing one arm up in the air to flip off the farmer chasing them.

Daichi closed his eyes and tried not to stoop down on the same level.

Tomorrow, he would take Terushima on the lamest study/coffee date the world had ever heard of – with a subsequent visit to the clay pot museum for good measure.

But tonight, if it made Terushima happy, he would gladly ride Prince Kuzco through town.


	5. KyouHaba

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This prompt was for KyouHaba and the sentence "Well, what did they say about me?"

Two weeks ago, Kyoutani would have said that being a farm hand was the best job he ever had. There was barely any interaction with other human beings involved – most of the other living things he worked with were animals or plants. That was, of course, before the farmer’s annoying son had developed a sudden interest in him.

Right now, Kyoutani was standing on a ladder leaning against a cherry tree, and threw down the ripe fruits into a huge basket by the tree trunk. Sitting on a patch of grass next to the basket was Yahaba – the farmer’s annoying son – and worked hard on reducing the work Kyoutani was doing by snacking on the fruits with a world-weary sigh escaping from time to time.

Kyoutani had tried to ignore him, but he was nearing his limits.

“What?” he barked, when the sound of yet another sigh floated up to him and made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

Yahaba didn’t look surprised at his sudden outburst. He had probably waited for it.

“Oh, I’m just thinking,” he said, spitting a cherry stone. “If I was with a cute girl right now, I could look up her skirt from here. But instead I’m stuck with you.”

_Stuck_ with him? No one told him to be here!

“Shut up! No girl would wear a skirt for picking cherries, idiot!” Kyoutani grumbled and threw another pair of red fruits into the basket. Maybe he should start aiming for Yahaba’s head instead.

“Lots of girls would,” said Yahaba. “The trick is to ask nicely.”

Kyoutani decided not to dignify this statement with anything but a scoff, and tried to blend him out again. Just how had he ended up on this guy’s radar was beyond him. He had tried so hard to keep to himself, and yet this guy was following him around like a lost puppy. A very annoying and uncute puppy. Maybe a puppy hadn’t been the best analogy to begin with.

“No need to be so jealous,” Yahaba sounded in that arrogant tone of his. “I bet there’s someone out there for a brute like you – and if not, you can always marry one of our pigs. They seem to like you enough.”

God – Yahaba really hung out with that Oikawa guy too much. The one who kept his horse in the farm’s stable ever since it had hurt its knee and couldn’t race anymore. Apparently, Oikawa was trying to win different kinds of races now, like the one for being the most annoying human on the planet. Yahaba was only a foot length behind.

Kyoutani tried to ignore him again, because no matter what he said, Yahaba would just be happy to be indulged – he tried to take out his anger by picking and throwing the cherries with a vengeance. “Why don’t you just go back to your own tree?” he said, when the ignoring wouldn’t work and the eyes boring into him from behind started to give him a headache.

“I could do that – but I realized that it’s more efficient to stay here and annoy you into throwing cherries like a machine gun. And I’m nothing if not efficient.”

Okay, that was _it_! Kyoutani had to get rid of him somehow. Even if this was the best job he ever had, he wasn’t sure if it was worth keeping this guy alive for it. Maybe, if he made it look like an accident, he wouldn’t even be fired.

“Are you debating with yourself whether or not to murder me?” asked Yahaba, sounding infuriatingly amused.

“Yes!” Kyoutani snarled.

Instead of running, Yahaba chose to laugh. “You’re refreshingly honest, at the very least.”

“Unlike you,” said Kyoutani and reached for another pair of cherries, weighting them in his hand as if to test if they would make good projectiles.

“Oh?” said Yahaba, and suddenly there was a kind of danger in his voice. He probably knew exactly what Kyoutani was playing at. But Kyoutani was not afraid of him, and he _did_ take pride in being honest, so why should he back down now?

“I hear what the other farm hands say about you,” he shrugged, throwing the cherries down into the basket. “You don’t have to come here and act like you’d want to look up a girl’s skirt. It’s creepy anyway.”

The ladder he was standing on suddenly started to shake, and for a second, Kyoutani was sure that Yahaba would push him off. But then he realized that Yahaba was just climbing the ladder behind him, coming dangerously close. Kyoutani turned around, his back to the tree, just so he could see what Yahaba was doing. He didn’t stop climbing until his feet were under the step Kyoutani was standing on.

Yahaba’s face – Yahaba’s very, very close face – wore a mask of indifference. “Well,” he drawled, lifting one eyebrow in a way Kyoutani never could. “What do they say about me?”

“That…” Kyoutani began, but it was kind of hard to form a full sentence with Yahaba standing so close. He swallowed. “That you…”

Yahaba stared at him, seemingly listening intently, but his hand was reaching out for a cherry that was dangling from a branch next to Kyoutani’s ear. That made it even harder to concentrate. Kyoutani couldn’t help stumbling over his own words, especially when Yahaba popped the cherry into his own mouth in an extremely lewd way.

“You don’t really…” Kyoutani continued, remembering that he had been in the middle of a sentence. The cherry between Yahaba’s lips was oddly captivating. Did he _have_ to lick and suck at it like that? “You don’t really like girls at all,” he finally managed to say.

“Hm. Is that so,” Yahaba smoothly formed the words around the cherry. “What do I like, then?”

“Uh…”

What a stupid question! Wasn’t it obvious? Why should Kyoutani have to put it into words, why did he have to be tortured like that? This asshole was riling him up on purpose – and it was working. Kyoutani couldn’t help a blush spreading from ear to ear – he could feel the heat wave radiating off his own face. Yahaba had to be really brave to stand in such close proximity – on a ladder! - when Kyoutani had just admitted his desire to kill him. But Yahaba obviously had a death wish, because he leaned in even closer, until Kyoutani was pressed against the tree – and then he slipped the cherry between Kyoutani’s lips.

Kyoutani would have liked to push him off right then and there, but he was sure that he had felt Yahaba’s lips brush against his for only a second, and it paralyzed him. He stayed frozen like that, even when Yahaba flicked a finger against his forehead and huffed: “Oh please! You’re going to bust a vein.”

He climbed down after that, thankfully, because Kyoutani really couldn’t function properly with him on the ladder. The cherry had somehow found it’s way into his mouth, and he bit down on it, letting the sweet taste unfurl on his tongue. Now that Yahaba stalked away, he felt more in control again, his heart beat slowing down into a steadier rhythm.

There was no bloodlust remaining. Kyoutani couldn’t think of a single person who would have been brave enough to do that, and he was too impressed to stay angry. He was too impressed to let Yahaba stalk away like that, even.

Already knowing that he was going to regret it, he called: “So, after all that, you won’t even ask nicely?”

Yahaba turned around with that same stupid eyebrow lifted high. “Ask what?”

“To wear a skirt next time,” Kyoutani said, even though he felt like throwing himself off the ladder right after the words had left his mouth.

Yahaba, that asshole, still managed to keep his cool somehow. He even winked at him, although Kyoutani hoped that it was only due to a fly buzzing around his head. “Maybe once you stop skipping leg day,” he called back. “I had a good enough view of that saggy butt for now.”

Kyoutani wished the cherry stone he spat after Yahaba could hit with the force of a bullet.


	6. KyouHaba

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Kyouhaba prompt for the sentence "Come out. Please."

„Come out. Please.“

Yahaba didn’t actually expect an answer and he didn’t get one. No sound escaped from behind the cheap, white doors he was currently glaring at. There _were_ many, many sounds escaping from a little brat’s mouth, as it jumped up and down in a big IKEA shopping cart, though. Yahaba wasn’t sure if it was the sounds or the no sounds that were giving him a headache.

“Don’t make me say it,” he sighed.

Still no answer.

“Kyoutani!”

Finally, a muffled groan could be heard behind the doors. “Just finish the tour without me!” said Kyoutani. “Come get me when you’re done.”

“Are you kidding?” Yahaba tried to stare down the brat’s mother as she pushed by the shopping cart. Loudly, he said: “I might as well have left you in the damn children’s play area. They have that here, you know? It’s called Småland.“

The mother looked at him like he was crazy and he realized that she probably didn’t know he was currently talking to a grown-up man sitting inside a closet. Oh well.

“Although,” he added, looking back at the closet, “they only let you in if you’re potty trained.”

“Fuck off,” barked Kyoutani. Maybe Yahaba could actually annoy him into storming out and trying to deck him.

“Are you just waiting for me to say the words ‘come out of the closet’? Because I refuse. We’re not 12 years old.”

“Just leave me alone, Yahaba!” groaned Kyoutani. He didn’t sound that angry – more annoyed. Maybe a bit tired.

Yahaba gave a long sigh. “Tell me what’s wrong, please?” he tried.

“Nothing.”

Great, he wanted to be difficult again. But Yahaba had a lot of experience with this kind of behavior, so he wasn’t easily shaken. “Can I at least join you in there for a while?”

There was a moment of hesitation, but then, the closet door opened just a slit and Yahaba saw Kyoutani’s suspicious eyes glare up at him. Yahaba made sure to roll his own eyes and opened the door enough to crawl in behind his boyfriend, wrestling him into a position that would fit both of them. Kyoutani didn’t fight it – he seemed content enough to lean against Yahaba’s chest and tuck his head under his chin. They pulled the door closed as soon as they had fit every limb into the closet, and darkness fell over them again.

It was surprisingly calm in there. So the headache had been that screaming brat’s fault after all.

“Well,” said Yahaba, “it is kind of comfortable in here. I admit it.”

Kyoutani gave an amused snort and fumbled for Yahaba’s hands to intertwine their fingers in a surprisingly affectionate gesture. Okay. So he was in one of _those_ moods.

“Look, I’m sorry for flirting with the employee,” Yahaba said, nuzzling his nose into Kyoutani’s short, coarse hair. “I genuinely just wanted to know where to find coffee tables.”

Kyoutani snorted again, this time more annoyed. “I don’t care ‘bout that,” he mumbled. “It’s just… so huge.”

“Thank you,” said Yahaba as Kyoutani groaned.

“I mean damn IKEA! It’s never-ending! It feels like we’re stuck in here forever.”

Ah. So that was the problem. “Come on, Kyoutani – you can just tell me when your social energy levels are down. We can come back any time.”

Seriously – Kyoutani was so damn stubborn sometimes. He didn’t want to admit that he felt overwhelmed and then he ended up locking himself into a closet at IKEA. What a ridiculous guy! Yahaba pressed an affectionate kiss behind his ear.

“I’ll be fine in a second. Just go and finish the tour by yourself. You can buy whatever stuff you want,” Kyoutani said in that special grumble that betrayed his embarrassment.

“I do that anyway,” said Yahaba.

“Fuck you.”

“You know, I don’t really feel like leaving this closet yet. So I’m just gonna stay here with you. Told you – it’s cozy.”

“Yeah, right,” Kyoutani scoffed, but he leaned back into Yahaba with a content sigh a second later, and let Yahaba slowly rock their bodies from side to side. They stayed there without saying anything for almost a quarter hour before the closet door suddenly opened and a woman looked down at them, giving a surprised screech.

“There’s nothing to see here,” said Yahaba as Kyoutani yanked the door closed again. They could hear the woman gasp and storm away, and they both fell into a fit of quiet, shaking laughter.

“We should probably go before she gets someone to throw us out,” said Yahaba, once he had calmed down.

“Yeah,” said Kyoutani and freed himself from Yahaba’s arm to kick open the closet doors. There were a lot of surprised people watching them climb out of the closet, but their eyes averted as soon as Kyoutani’s glare hit them.

“You know what?” said Yahaba. “We should just buy that closet. It’s nice. Spacey.”

“Idiot,” said Kyoutani.

“I mean it, though. We wanted a closet anyway. See – I knew it would pay off to drag you along.”

Kyoutani probably noticed that he was blushing, because he scrunched his face in that funny way to pass it off as an angry blush. Yahaba quickly pressed a kiss to his nose to make him blush even more.

“Just let me write down the number,” he said, ignoring the waves of murderous intent Kyoutani was emitting. Yahaba pulled out the little pencil and notepad he had taken from one of the stands along the way, and reached for the label dangling off from the closet’s side.

As soon as he turned it around, he broke out into laughter.

“What?” grumbled Kyoutani, furrowing his brows. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, nothing at all,” Yahaba grinned as he wrote down the number on his notepad. “I just realized that this really was fate. You and that closet were truly meant to be. It’s beautiful, just beautiful.”

Pocketing the pencil and notepad again, he pressed one last kiss to Kyoutani’s lips before he missed his chance, and stalked away to the warehouse.

He knew that Kyoutani had read the label as soon as he heard a loud, outraged cry from behind him.

Because on the label, in big, bold letters, it said that the name of the closet they were buying, was **DOMBÅS.**


	7. KuroTsukki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This prompt was for Kurotsukki and the sentence "Well, no one asked me."

There were people everywhere. They surrounded their dorm building like a cloud of mosquitoes, waiting for a repetition of last week’s party. Another birthday organized by Kuroo Tetsurou. Another party that would make for a campus legend for years to come. Like last week’s, but bigger, better-

_„Faster, stronger,_ “ Kuroo sang to himself, as he pushed through a crowd of people who were for some reason squeezed into the narrow hallways of the dorm building. Some already drunk, waving their beer bottles in his face and bawling something at him. Kuroo wasn’t sure if they recognized him as the guy who threw the parties around here, or if they just did that to every passing person.

They really were everywhere. Bokuto’s birthday had lured them in – those who missed it sniffed their chance to be part of its second coming. Everyone was here – even some professors. Everyone, except…

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he spat when he finally reached Tsukishima’s door and stumbled into the small dorm room. Tsukishima looked up from where he sat at his desk, already clad in his pajama pants. There was a book opened before him. Many books, actually.

“Are you _studying?_ ” asked Kuroo, unbelieving.

Tsukishima had his mouth full with something – a half-eaten piece of cake sat on a little plate before him, and his mouth had just closed around the fork, when Kuroo had stormed in – so he just sent Kuroo a raised eyebrow. The Tsukki-patented look of ‘Do you _have_ to always state the obvious?’

“Why the fuck aren’t you at the party?” Kuroo demanded.

Tsukishima swallowed his piece of cake and shrugged like he was entirely unaware of the huge swarm of people who were here for him.

“Well, no one asked me,” he said.

Now, Kuroo really, really loved his boyfriend, but right now, he had a sudden urge to kill him.

“No one asked you _what_?”

“To come,” said Tsukishima. His voice was steady, but Kuroo knew exactly that Tsukishima was being a little shit on purpose. He had that certain kind of glimmer in his eyes. The 'I know I’m being a little shit’-glimmer.

“No one asked you to come to your own birthday party,” Kuroo repeated, slowly. Tsukishima just looked him dead in the eye, chewing on another piece of cake. “Are you fucking shitting me right now?”

“How should I know it’s for me? I don’t even know any of these people. All of my friends are miles away – Yamaguchi visited me, actually, but he already left,” said Tsukishima, turning back to his books.

Okay, so this could take a while… Kuroo closed the door behind him with a sigh.

“Of course the party is for you. It’s your birthday! It’s literally called Tsukki’s Bombasticer Birthday – Bigger and Better than Bokuto’s Bombastic Birthday. There were flyers everywhere. I had to buy Bokuto lunch for a week straight, just so he would stop calling me a traitor. But I couldn’t possibly throw him a bigger party than you – you’re my boyfriend after all.”

Tsukishima didn’t look all too touched.

“It’s just another one of your dumbass parties, except that you smuggled my name into it,” he said. “None of these people know who I am.”

“Well, they were _about_ to know!”

“Just put a wig on Bokuto. He’s made for the crowds. I’m perfectly happy where I am, thank you very much.”

He went back to browsing through his books, but Kuroo could see that his eyes were unfocused. He was just waiting for Kuroo to make another move – and boy did he have another move!

“Look, if you think I didn’t tailor this party to your tastes, then you’re very wrong. I know exactly what you like.”

“I doubt that very much,” said Tsukishima, throwing a pointed look out of the window, where the crowd was howling and singing “happy birthday” without even knowing for whom.

“Okay,” Kuroo admitted – he knew that Tsukishima was not exactly a people’s person, but he could really use some more friends around here. And this was the biggest selection Kuroo could offer. In any case, he had something else prepared to lure Tsukishima with. “What if I told you that there’s a huge – and I mean HUGE – strawberry shortcake waiting for you?”

“Hmmmm,” said Tsukishima, acting like he actually had to think about it first. “I don’t like strawberry shortcake, sorry.”

Kuroo could only gawk at that bald-faced lie.

“You don’t like strawberry shortcake.”

“U-huh.”

“And yet, for some reason, you’re wearing pajama pants with little strawberries printed all over it.”

“That’s right,” said Tsukishima, taking another bite from his cake. “By clothing my butt in this harmful thing and then sitting on it, I’m turning this hate into a metaphor. It makes me stronger.”

Kuroo wasn’t sure if he wanted to pelt Tsukishima with a bunch of smurf figurines sitting on his roommate’s shelf, or if he wanted to kiss him and his ridiculous, lie-spewing mouth. A mouth which was closing around a whole strawberry as Kuroo was watching.

“Wait a minute!” he cried. “You’re eating strawberry shortcake right now!”

“Busted!” said Tsukishima dryly. “Crap.”

“Tsukki!”

Apparently, the desperation in Kuroo’s voice was enough to make Tsukishima finally turn back towards him, another eyebrow raised. He even put away his fork to support the glare with crossed arms. This one, Kuroo recognized as the 'I disapprove of you and your whole being’ glare.

“You sure have some nerve, you know?” said Tsukishima. “You couldn’t even ask before you organized a news-worthy party and put my name on it. I literally know one single person down there, which is Bokuto – and in my book, he’s as much work as having a hundred friends.”

Kuroo knew exactly that Tsukishima meant “he’s worth a hundred friends”, but he kept his mouth shut, because his boyfriend wasn’t done talking yet.

“I thought you knew me better than that. All I want is to spend a quiet birthday with the people I like – and yet, all you’ve been doing all day is run around and organize stuff. I haven’t even seen you for more than five minutes. I don’t want cake, or alcohol, or a huge crowd of people singing out of tune – I just want _you._ ”

Oh… combined with the glare, Kuroo almost hadn’t caught on with the fact that Tsukishima was being… nice and romantic. Huh. Go figure.

He was right, though. Kuroo was good at throwing parties, so he had thought it was obvious that he should throw the biggest and best one for his boyfriend. Instead, he should have thought about what Tsukishima would like the most. And this… well, it wasn’t it. The best present he could give right now, was to forget about all the money and hard work he had put into this party, and focus on his boyfriend instead.

Well – there was only one more thing. He reached for his cellphone and called Bokuto’s number.

It took a while for Bokuto to answer, and when he did, Kuroo could hardly discern between Bokuto’s voice and the noise of the people surrounding him.

“Bro!” he thought he heard Bokuto yell. “Where are you? I can’t see you anywhe- HEY! Not the junk, dude, that’s sick!”

“Are you crowd-surfing?” groaned Kuroo.

“How else was I supposed to find you?”

“Right, obviously,” Kuroo said. “Anyway, there was a change of plans. Could you go grab the cake and come to Tsukki’s dorm?”

“Uhm… how is the party gonna fit in there?”

“We’re gonna make it a little more private,” Kuroo explained and tried to suppress a sigh. Tsukishima was listening, after all.

“Private… oh! Oh, dude, that’s amazing! You want me to eat a hole in the cake so that we can jump out of it?” Bokuto asked excitedly. “That’d be super hot!”

“Not that kind of private!” Kuroo barked. “Just… don’t touch the cake! Just bring it here, somehow, but _don’t touch it!_ ”

“Boo!”

“I don’t care, just do what I said please. It’s Tsukki’s birthday.”

“Fine, but you owe me lunch for A HUNDRED YEARS!”

“Two more weeks.”

“Deal,” said Bokuto, right before Kuroo could hear him scream about 'my junk, dude!’ again, and ended the call.

Looking up, he saw Tsukishima’s face buried in his hands.

“Uhm,” Kuroo began, unsure of what he did wrong now. Tsukishima was more than ready to tell him, though.

“You’re such an _idiot_!” he spat. “I don’t need more cake – I already had some. And Bokuto is more than fine out there, crowd-surfing and socializing.” He got up from his chair and just one-and-a-half steps later, he stood before Kuroo, trying to use that one centimeter to tower over him. “You really don’t know me at all, do you?” he said, and reached behind Kuroo to turn the key in its lock.

The situation would have been scary, had Tsukishima’s lips not been on his one second later, pressing him up against the door. Kuroo’s arms immediately circled around Tsukishima’s middle to draw him closer, the cellphone dropping from his weak grip. He could still taste the strawberries on Tsukishima’s tongue, sweet and intoxicating.

“I think I’m starting to understand you a little bit better,” Kuroo gasped, once Tsukishima’s lips moved on to mouth at his throat. “Just a little bit though – keep doing what you’re doing, and-”

Tsukishima abandoned his throat in favor of muting his mouth again, but Kuroo had nothing against that, so he just let his boyfriend press him against the door, sucking at his bottom lip and sliding his hands up Kuroo’s shirt.

This was a great way to spend a birthday, actually. Kuroo wouldn’t have to think too hard about spending his own birthday the same way. Even when Bokuto actually showed up and hammered his fist against the door from the other side, it was perfect. Tsukishima made sure that Bokuto knew what was going on inside, and just grinned at his whining.

And when Tsukishima finally thrust his hips against Kuroo’s – well, maybe that was even worth having to buy Bokuto lunch for a hundred years.


	8. AkaTsukki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was for AkaTsukki and the quotes 'Put me down for 'no'' - and 'This is hard enough without you doing that'.

„I can’t believe we agreed to this,“ mumbled Tsukishima, as he was holding up a pair of boxers with a huge banana printed across the front. Akaashi was holding a matching pair – his boxers showed the face of a chimpanzee licking its lips. They were browsing through one of those clothing stores that tried to sell their stuff to teenage boys and fully grown baby-men who thought that memes and pop culture references printed across generic t-shirts were stylish. In other words: Kuroo’s and Bokuto’s favorite store. Tsukishima scrunched his nose in distaste. “This is awful.”

Akaashi laid the chimpanzee boxers back onto the table and reached for a different pair – this time a bunny with a carrot. “You’re the one who agreed to this,” he said, blunt as ever.

“No way!” Tsukishima threw his banana boxers into the pile on the table and reached to unfold another one, grimacing when he read the words ‘Pull down in case of emergency’ printed across it. “I clearly remember saying ‘Put me down for ‘no’’ when they came up with the idea.”

Akaashi shrugged and burrowed his way through a pile of boxers that said “jingle my bells” on them, although it was long past Christmas. “You did. But then Bokuto accused us of being an incredibly boring couple, to which you said…”

He paused, apparently waiting for Tsukishima to remember what he had said. Tsukishima knew exactly what it was, but he didn’t want to admit it, so he fished for two more boxer shorts and threw them at Akaashi.

Akaashi didn’t even look at the dog and the wiener. “’We’ll show you ‘boring’, you talking ass crack. It’s on!’ – Does that ring any bells?”

Tsukishima pretended to find a Minions-themed boxer shorts very interesting.

Okay, fine – so maybe he had somehow let Bokuto and Kuroo provoke him into a really weird competition; namely, who could find the better pair of couples’ underwear. How exactly one would even come up with that was beyond Tsukishima, just like why he had ended up taking the challenge. They could be doing so many more important things right now.

“We could be home,” said Akaashi, who was apparently reading his thoughts now. “Anyway, what’s wrong with being boring? I like boring. We could be all cuddled up on the couch. Doing a crosswords puzzle together. Some kind of animal documentary on mute on TV while we’re listening to violin concertos…”

Tsukishima almost let his head sink down into a pile of “the man, the legend” boxers.

“Akaashi, please.”

His boyfriend was ruthless – he walked around the table to casually lay an arm around Tsukishima’s waist and leaned in to whisper with his soothing voice: “I could massage your shoulders after we prepared the lunch we’ll take to work tomorrow. Maybe we could even start with the paperwork for our taxes a month early.”

“Are you the devil?” Tsukishima asked, almost ripping a “Master Bates” boxers apart. He was so awfully weak to Akaashi’s voice, it was ridiculous.

“We could re-organize our closet. We could color-code all of our keys. We could invent a system to store different kinds of cables,” Akaashi murmured, looking up at him with half-lidded eyes. “We could do anything and everything except buying ugly underwear that we’ll never wear again.”

Tsukishima pressed his eyes closed in a futile attempt at blending out his boyfriend. “Please, stop. This is hard enough without you doing that.”

“Hmmm…” Akaashi said, a lazy grin appearing on his face as he looked down. “Not as hard as it could be.”

Tsukishima had no other choice but to pull him into an empty cubicle after that.

~~~

The next evening, they were invited to dinner at Kuroo’s and Bokuto’s place. It didn’t come as a surprise that those two couldn’t wait until everyone was done eating before they suddenly jumped onto their chairs and pulled down their pants.

This was not the weirdest thing happening at dinner with Kuroo and Bokuto, so Tsukishima and Akaashi didn’t even blink an eyelid.

“You have to _look_ to know you lost!” Kuroo advised them.

“We’re good,” said Akaashi, but Tsukishima couldn’t help but actually look at them for a second. He almost groaned. They could have won this so easily, but alas…

“It’s just a cat and an owl, this is the lamest thing ever,” he said, waving his chopsticks at their stupid boxers. “You weren’t even being creative!”

“This isn’t all!” Bokuto exclaimed proudly, and they both turned around to show them their behinds, on which there was an outstretched paw and a wing, both belonging to their respective animal. “As you can see,” said Bokuto, “we can use these cute animals for a bit of roleplaying. Watch this!”

They both turned around in their chairs again, until they were both facing away from each other, and then bumped their asses together. “High-five!” Kuroo yelled.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes so hard, they almost unscrewed from their sockets. But it looked like they weren’t done yet.

“And a kiss!” shouted Bokuto, as they were both jumping around on their chair, this time to face each other.

Akaashi already knew what was coming, so he threw his chopsticks at Bokuto’s head. “Don’t make them kiss, we’re still eating.”

Kuroo just grinned down at them from where he stood on his chair, in his underwear. “I’m sorry – I still can’t see how you intend to beat us. Have you already given up, knowing there’s no way?”

“It’s okay, you won,” said Tsukishima, eating the rest of Akaashi’s food, seeing as he had no chopsticks anymore to defend it with. “Congratulations.”

“What? Not fair!” Bokuto whined. “I wanna at least see what you came up with.”

“We’re not wearing any underwear,” shrugged Akaashi.

Bokuto and Kuroo exchanged a quizzical look, and turned back around to squint at them.

“Explain!” demanded Kuroo.

“Well,” Akaashi said, shrugging again. “The clerk caught me blowing Tsukishima in one of the cubicles, so we were thrown out before we got to buy anything.”

Bokuto’s and Kuroo’s jaws dropped at the same time, creating almost a full minute of blessed quiet, which Tsukishima and Akaashi used to noisily drink the broth from their bowls.

Finally, Kuroo turned to Bokuto, looking for affirmation. “Did… did they just win the competition?”

“Oh my God,” gasped Bokuto. “We’re more boring than them! What the fuck happened to us?”

“You just need to grow up already,” said Tsukishima. “Grown-ups have more fun, believe me.”

“I wanna die,” Kuroo sighed, slumping back down into his chair.

Tsukishima had to suppress a grin when Akaashi stood up, back turned to him. “High-five?” he asked.

“High-five,” Tsukishima agreed, and they bumped their butts together.


End file.
